Emotional Intelligence (1995)

Emotional Intelligence (1995)

26 November 2017 coaching 0

Emotional intelligence by Daniel Goleman 

When people with high IQs fail and others with modest IQs do successfully, I argue that the difference often comes from the capabilities we refer to here as Emotional Intelligence (IE).


EI is the fact for example, to control our affective drives, to uncover the most intimate feelings of others, to form harmonious relationships with others – in the words of Aristotle, the rare ability ” to be angry for good reasons and against who deserves it, at the right time and during the time needed. “

I hope that one day education will aim to instill essential human skills such as self-awareness, self-control, empathy, the art of caring for others, resolving conflicts, and cooperation meaning.


Our emotions help us to face situations and tasks too important to be entrusted to the only intellect: danger, painful losses, perseverance despite disappointments, the foundation of a couple, the creation of a family.

Our intelligence is useless when we are under the influence of our emotions. Essentially, all emotions are incentives to action.



History of brains:

The “emotional” (limbic) brain existed long before the “rational” brain (neocortex). As it developed, this system developed two extremely effective tools: the ability to learn and memory.

Then the neocortex was formed in Homo sapiens. He is the seat of thought. He is responsible for assembling and understanding sensory perceptions. This benefit results from the ability of the neocortex to develop strategies and long-term planning (mother-child attachment), as well as other mental devices. Beyond that, art, civilization and culture are all the fruits of the neocortex.

If the hippocampus memorizes the raw facts, the amygdala retains the emotional flavor.



The Emotions:

IQ represent at best 20% of the success factors of a person.

5 main areas of EI (Gardner)

  1. The knowledge of emotions: self-awareness – the ability to identify one’s emotions
  2. The control of one’s emotions: the ability to adapt one’s feelings to each situation.
  3. Automotivation: channeling one’s emotions to concentrate, control and self-motivate (postpone the satisfaction of one’s desires and repress one’s impulses).
  4. The perception of others’ emotions: empathy
  5. The mastery of human relations: knowing how to maintain good relations with others, it is largely to know how to manage their emotions.

When emotions are too weak, they create boredom and distance; uncontrolled, too extreme and persistent, they become pathological, as in depression, anguish, fury or manic agitation.

It is the relationship between positive and negative emotions that determines the feeling of well-being.

Perseverance in the face of disappointment: the optimist considers that a failure is always due to something that can be modified to succeed the next stroke, while the pessimist blames himself for failure and attributes it to a character trait unchangeable.

Whether it is to dominate one’s impulses or to delay the satisfaction of one’s desires, to control one’s mood in order to facilitate thought instead of hindering it, to motivate oneself to persevere without being discouraged by failures, to succeed to reach the state of fluidity and to be more effective, all this underlines the power of emotions to guide us in what we undertake.


The Non Verbal:

When someone’s words don’t relect what his voice, his gestures express, the truth of his emotions must be sought in the way he says things rather than in what he says. In terms of communication, the general rule is that at least 90% of affective messages are non-verbal. And these messages are almost always perceived and emitted unconsciously.

Emotions aret contagious ! (Happyness, anger, sadness, …)


Setting the emotional tone of an interaction is, in a sense, a sign of domination on a deep, intimate level; it is to be able to govern the emotional state of the other. Domination is at the heart of influence (politician, speaker, preacher, …).

Interpersonal intelligence (charismatic) can be translated in 4 great aptitudes: ability to organize groups, to negotiate solutions, to establish personal relationships and social analysis.

Another form of self-control is the ability to be in agreement with oneself, which allows one to act in accordance with one’s values and deep feelings, namely the consequences (Authenticity of Feelings or congruence).



The breaking points in a couple are primarily due to the differences between the emotional world of girls and boys. Boys tend to downplay the emotions of vulnerability, guilt, fear and grief. Women have more intense and changing emotions than men, in that sense they are more emotional than they are.

Rather, it is the manner in which spouses debate these sensitive issues that is critical to the fate of a marriage. The mere fact of agreeing how to deal with disagreements is essential to conjugal survival.

The so-called mirror method, used in couple therapy, makes it possible to listen to each other’s feelings. When one spouse makes a grievance, the other REFORMULATES in his own words, trying not only to grasp the thought, but also the feelings associated with it. (” Without judgement “).

Being accurately “mirrored” not only provides the feeling of being understood, but also of being in harmony.

Effective communication XYZ is the best possible formulation of a grievance: “when you did X, I felt Y, and I WOULD PREFER that you do Y”

At a minimum, legitimizing the other’s point of view requires showing that one listens and does not ignore the feelings expressed by the other.



Leading is not dominating (… please! Grow up!), It is knowing how to persuade others to work towards a common goal.

In a sense, criticism is one of the most important tasks of leaders. Yet it is one of the ones they apprehend the most and to which they shy away most often (is not it … it’s what you call “challenge.” Che ridere! XYZ see below. Recent and personal experience 🙂).

  • Stay accurate (the facts)
  • Propose a solution
  • Be present
  • Be sensitive: feel the impact of what you say and how you say it. The less empathic leaders are more likely to make offensive criticisms, and especially to denigrate their employees, with an opposite result.



Emotions affect health.

The link between the nervous system and the immune system has become established (Adler’s work). Emotions exert a direct influence on the immune system (David Felten). Nerve cells release neurotransmitters that regulate immune cells and, in fact, exchange signals with them.

If the stress is intense and constant, the removal can become sustainable.



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