Courage to be yourself
Jacques Salomé – Picture: Bondues 2013 –
Psychosociologist, Jacques Salomé was a trainer in human relations for a long time and still struggles to teach communication in school as a subject in itself because for him; « It’s the only non-violent antidote to violence »
The art of communicating in consciousness
Main components of our personality (non-exhaustive list). Structural classification; anxieties and fears, defense mechanisms and how to relate to others and the world:
Sadistic or masochistic components (hurting or hurting yourself), hysteroid (drama), paranoid or paranoia (distrust, fight against addiction), phobic (object or situation), obsessive (control, rigor), instability of moods or behaviors (cyclic emotions), perverse (the other reduces to object status), parasitic (need of dependence).
It will be up to each of us to be as lucid as possible about its own components, and especially about its main domination, and those of its partner. It is illusory to believe in their disappearance but we can relax them.
It is the sufferer who produces his suffering inside him, even if it is generated by a violence received from the outside that has hurt him. It is not strictly speaking what the other person says or does that hurts or destabilizes us, it is what he touches with sensitivity, already bruised in us …
One of the most deeply rooted myths in our society is the belief that things happen to us from outside, a cause beyond our control and therefore a leader, a culprit to our difficulties. That someone (God), something (chance), an irredeemable sequence (destiny or fate) watches or weighs on us!
I commit myself in the long term with a part unknown of me and a part of unknown of you, ie without knowing yet the man or the woman that I will be, nor the one that you will become. Your lucid and honest commitment supposes to accept the fact that every engagement is a commitment to 3: you, me and a part of unknown and mystery related to the possible evolution of each one of us.
How can I reconcile duration in the commitment and changes, necessary evolution? Loyalty to others is directly proportional to the faithfulness I can have towards myself.
Know, Know How, Know To Be, Know To Do, Know To Create, Know To Become.
The love agreement is perhaps when the exchange is articulated around the equilibrium, that it is based on the harmonious cohabitation of sentiments and authentic and positive feelings which vibrate in unison.
To learn to differentiate feelings and sentiments.
The price of freedom to be one (to exist): « One of my essential demands is not a request for love but a demand for respect, listening, tolerance of what I am. «
Manual of Well Being:
- I can discover at any age that I am involved and co-author of everything that happens to me.
- I can learn to hold neither accusation on the other nor self-blame for everything that arises in my life
- If it comes to me from the other, a sentence, …. which makes me violent, I can name my feelings and put back to the other what belongs to him when what he sent me is not good for me.
- When it comes from the other, … a word that I can welcome as a gift, it is up to me to receive it … My responsibility will be to radiate and contribute as well …
- Every time I take the risk of positioning myself, of asserting myself by respecting myself, I take the risk of differentiating myself. In doing so I can hurt, … I can learn to live with my loneliness.
- • Whenever I take the risk of positioning myself, of affirming myself by respecting myself, I take the risk of differentiating myself. In doing so I can hurt, … I can learn to live with my loneliness.
- By daring direct and open requests, I also agree not to control the response of the other …
- By passing from the reactionary to the relational, I enlarge the possibilities of the exchange.
- By using some tools that can promote communication
- I grow and develop my autonomy and my freedom each time I learn to take care of my needs, my desires or my feelings without weighing them on the other.
- When I do not confuse anymore guilt, guilt (coming from the other) and self-blame, I register a better anchoring in reality and I also propose a less parasitic reference to the other.
- If I agree to discover that any personal change has a price to pay in terms of requirements, rigor, renunciations, …
The worst of loneliness is not to be alone but to be a companion … appalling for oneself