Social intelligence inspired by Isabelle Filliozat (Psychologist)
Why social intelligence matters
Social intelligence helps us lead meetings, speak in public, overcome shyness, respond to aggression, assert ourselves, voice opinions, listen, cry, motivate a team—and ourselves. It also helps us face adversity, navigate change, and resolve conflicts.
Wouldn’t it be as useful to learn self-awareness and emotion decoding as it is to memorize 1515 or the kings of France? One in ten French people experiences depression; therefore, learning to face our emotions is urgent.
Isn’t this “real-life” intelligence?
At school, we ignore most of what shapes daily life. Yet social intelligence is as vital as other forms of intelligence.
Multiple intelligences (Gardner, 1983)
Beyond verbal and logical-mathematical (IQ), Gardner identified spatial, musical, kinesthetic, interpersonal (working with others) and intrapersonal (self-understanding) intelligences—brought together by Daniel Goleman as Emotional Intelligence (EQ).
EQ in practice
Ability to motivate oneself and persevere despite frustration.
Inhibiting impulses and delaying gratification.
Regulating moods so distress doesn’t derail reasoning.
Empathy and realistic hope.
Meanwhile, modern Western life prizes individual freedom, yet many feel lost about how to use it.
Temperament: innate or acquired?
Neurons that transmit raw sensory/motor information are largely programmed at birth, whereas associative networks build with experience. In short: both nature and nurture contribute.
Habits wire the brain. The more we practice anger, the more accessible it becomes. Over time, these facilitated pathways shape temperament—toward courage or fear, assertion or submission.
Emotions reorganize memory
Emotions signal what matters and motivate us to act. They are biological drives; feelings are their mentalized, secondary elaborations. Emotion often reacts faster than deliberative thinking and gives a sense of meaning—our felt “place” in the world.
Denial and silence
After a shock, one person screams and shakes, another freezes. Unexpressed tension can crystallize and resurface later (nightmares, flashbacks) until the fear is acknowledged.
Silence is more traumatic than shared pain. “I’m fine” may mean “I don’t want to look.” Unspoken anxieties wedge distance between people; they may also lodge in the body—or echo across generations.
Where the “armor” comes from
We can be wounded physically and psychically. Emotional neglect, indifference, denial, or pressuring a child to play “the strong one” can forge an armor of emotional avoidance.
“Coldness” isn’t genetic; it’s often a protective strategy learned early and passed on by example (working to exhaustion to avoid intimacy, escaping caregiving because closeness feels painful).
Power and judgment
The more powerless we feel inside, the more we may seek power outside. Judging, labeling, and dividing can grant an illusion of superiority—yet they disconnect us from others and from ourselves.
Three interacting brains (a helpful model)
A simplification, not anatomy.
Reptilian/reflex brain (present focus): basic survival—freeze, flee, fight.
Emotional/limbic brain (past & meaning): tags experiences with affect; the amygdala and hippocampus help encode and assign emotional value.
Neocortex (future & choice): associates, compares, plans, inhibits, and enables conscious choice—including empathy and compassion.
However, the neocortex can be fooled by illusions and force unrealistic rules on lower systems. Balance—top-down regulation without denial—is key.
Filters, memories, and beliefs
Emotion narrows attention to what “fits” the feeling. Highly emotional events encode strongly. A disproportionate reaction today may echo an older, unresolved experience—while the “left brain” rationalizes a tidy story. Thus irrational beliefs can quietly drive daily life.
Hyper-emotionality and “elastics”
When intensity doesn’t match context, we may be reacting to the past. Transactional Analysis calls this an elastic—a snap-back to old pain.
The antidote? Name and share emotions in safe relationships; this is how we avoid exporting our fear, rage, or despair to others.
Meeting fear wisely
Stage fright grows when we fight or hide it. A moderate, acknowledged fear can be adaptive; anticipation helps us prepare.
To support someone afraid: respect the arousal, don’t ridicule, don’t rush to fix. Listen first. Reassurance comes after acceptance.
Violence, obedience, and power
Impotence often breeds violence and domination. Milgram’s experiments showed how ordinary people can obey harmful orders from perceived authorities. This warns us to cultivate self-awareness, ethical reflection, and courage to dissent.
Anger without harm
Healthy anger protects identity and boundaries. Conflict isn’t the same as quarrel: the first is a meeting of worlds; the second is a power grab.
If you’re the target, don’t justify immediately. First acknowledge the other’s emotion. If you erred, own it, empathize with the hurt, apologize, and offer repair.
Love: emotion and feeling
Love is both an emotion (intense, eruptive) and a feeling (built daily). The emotion flares at the start and with tender gestures; the feeling grows through attention, listening, and conflict resolution.
Unspoken feelings block the flow of love. Take time; emotional needs are real emergencies.
Practical takeaways (EQ in action)
Name what you feel (anger, sadness, fear, joy). Then ask what it signals.
Pause before reacting; breathe to re-engage the neocortex.
Share emotions with trusted people; don’t let silence harden.
Challenge rigid beliefs (“I must be perfect,” “Emotions are weakness”).
Repair quickly: acknowledge impact, apologize, offer concrete amends.
Practice empathy: listen first; advice later—maybe.
Invest in bonds: small, regular signs of care beat rare grand gestures.
Accept imperfection—in you and in others. Growth > flawlessness.
