Courage to be yourself – Jacques Salomé
Introduction
French psychosociologist Jacques Salomé dedicated much of his life to teaching the art of human communication. He argued that communication should be taught in schools as a subject in its own right because, as he put it, “It is the only non-violent antidote to violence.”
To live authentically, we must learn to communicate consciously—with ourselves and with others—while recognizing the deep structures of our personality.
Understanding Our Inner Components
Each of us carries within us various psychological components:
Sadistic or masochistic (hurting others or ourselves)
Hysteroid (drama-seeking)
Paranoid (distrustful, resistant to dependence)
Phobic (fear linked to specific objects or situations)
Obsessive (control and rigidity)
Instability of moods (cyclical emotional swings)
Perverse (reducing others to objects)
Parasitic (excessive dependence)
The task is not to eliminate these traits—an illusion—but to become as lucid as possible about them, to understand which dominate in us and in our partners, and to relax their grip on our lives.
The Source of Suffering
It is not strictly what others say or do that hurts us, but rather what their actions touch inside us, often echoing old, unhealed wounds.
One of society’s strongest myths is the belief that suffering always comes from the outside—from destiny, chance, or others who wrong us. This externalization makes us blind to the reality that we are often co-authors of our own suffering.
Learning to forgive ourselves means recognizing the self-violence we perpetuate through our own behaviors and beliefs. Many of our deepest wounds are formed in childhood, shaping the way we relate to others throughout life.
Commitment and Change in Relationships
Every true commitment in love or friendship is made not just between you and me, but also with an unknown third element: the mystery of who we will each become as we evolve.
Authentic commitment requires reconciling two forces:
Duration – loyalty and stability.
Change – growth and necessary transformation.
Loyalty to others depends directly on the loyalty we maintain toward ourselves.
Freedom and Respect
To truly exist, we must claim the freedom to be ourselves. As Salomé wrote:
“One of my essential demands is not a request for love, but a demand for respect, listening, and tolerance of what I am.”
This freedom comes with responsibility: the ability to differentiate between feelings and sentiments, and to seek authentic exchanges based on respect rather than dependency.
A Manual for Well-Being
Acknowledge your role – At any age, I can discover that I am a co-author of everything that happens to me.
Release blame – I can learn neither to accuse others nor to sink into self-blame.
Name your feelings – When words from another hurt me, I can identify my emotions and give back what does not belong to me.
Receive gifts – When words from another nourish me, it is up to me to welcome them and radiate them further.
Take risks – Each time I affirm myself and respect myself, I risk differentiation—and sometimes loneliness.
Dare to ask openly – Making direct requests means also accepting that I cannot control the other’s response.
Grow in autonomy – I strengthen my freedom every time I care for my own needs without placing the burden on others.
Clarify guilt – By distinguishing between guilt imposed by others and self-blame, I gain a clearer grounding in reality.
The Price of Change
Personal change is never free—it requires rigor, renunciations, and courage. The deepest loneliness is not being alone, but rather being trapped in a relationship where you are an appalling companion to yourself.
Conclusion
The courage to be yourself lies in learning to communicate authentically, to recognize and relax the rigid parts of your personality, and to take responsibility for your role in your own suffering. By doing so, you create space for respect, freedom, and genuine love—both for yourself and for others.
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