relationship between a couple: Dare to live two of us (1 + 1 =3)
from Fred. Fanget (Psychiatrist and psychotherapist) – Lyon – France – 2010
Introduction
When a couple is born, an unpredictable force often creates a powerful bond. This initial alchemy can be intoxicating, but it is not a guarantee of lasting happiness.
In his book Oser le couple, psychiatrist and psychotherapist Fred Fanget (Lyon, 2010) proposes a new concept for a balanced and fulfilling relationship:
1 + 1 = 3 → You, Me, and Our Couple.
The Concept: 1 + 1 = 3
Each “1” represents a partner. The “3” is the couple as a unique entity. Together, partners build a third dimension: the relationship itself.
If one partner seeks too much fusion (80% shared space) and the other craves autonomy (20% shared space), both risk suffering—one from too much independence, the other from too much fusion.
The shared space must therefore be defined together and allowed to evolve throughout life.
A healthy couple requires:
Personal care → each must cultivate their own “1”.
Mutual respect → each must honor the values of the other.
Trust in the “3” → the couple grows as a distinct but living entity.
Relationship Modes
Independent Mode (1 + 1 = 2)
Autonomy is respected, but there are few exchanges and little shared growth.Fusion Mode (1 + 1 = 1)
Passionate and intense, but partners risk losing their individuality.Three-Dimensional Mode (1 + 1 = 3)
Both partners exist fully while co-creating the couple. This balance adds richness.Destruction Mode (1 + 1 = 0)
Constant conflict or toxic dynamics can lead to moral or physical destruction.
Sexuality: The Heart of the Couple
Sexuality belongs to the “3.” It is both foundational and sacred, requiring care and attention.
Desire → libido, the impulse.
Pleasure → sensations experienced during intimacy.
Orgasm → the climax following pleasure.
These three stages are often confused. A relationship can involve desire and pleasure without orgasm. Moreover, desire is strongly influenced by the quality of the couple’s connection.
Assert Yourself Gently
A healthy couple requires balance:
Build and affirm your own “1.”
Respect your partner’s “1.”
Together, grow the “3.”
Men and women often communicate differently. Women may emphasize intimacy, while men may prioritize independence. Still, psychological reality is more nuanced than clichés.
Two pitfalls to avoid:
Excessive autonomy → sliding into egoism (1 + 1 = 2).
Excessive fusion → losing oneself in the couple (1 + 1 = 1).
No partner can meet all expectations. Examples of common, legitimate refusals include:
Weekly lunches with in-laws.
Repeated holidays at the same family house.
Imposed advice on raising children.
Sexual practices against one’s desires or values.
Thus, gentle self-assertion—knowing what you want and don’t want while communicating respectfully—is the foundation of balance.
Positive Communication
Everyday life must not trivialize the couple. Actively nurture it by:
Talking about what goes well, not only what goes wrong.
Expressing love regularly (“I love you”).
Sharing positive experiences.
Four Types of Replies (example: a partner announces a promotion)
Constructive passive: “I’m happy for you.”
Destructive passive: “Okay… what are we doing this weekend?”
Active destructive: “So you’ll be home even less now.”
Active constructive: “That’s wonderful! Tell me all about it—what did you feel?”
Steps for positive communication:
Relearn to notice what you love about your partner.
Overcome embarrassment or blocks.
Express compliments clearly.
Maintain positive energy like keeping embers alive in a fireplace. Aim for warmth, not perfection.
Solving Conflicts
No conflict is trivial. Even minor ones can erode a couple if ignored. Three steps to resolve issues:
Gentle self-assertion → criticize constructively and respectfully.
Work on beliefs → understand how your partner perceives the situation.
Work on values → uncover the deeper values hidden behind everyday conflicts.
Compromise vs. Concession
A compromise is co-created, part of the “3.”
A concession sacrifices personal values and often resurfaces later like a time bomb.
Learn to stop escalation, sometimes with humor or a “STOP contract.” Accept imperfection rather than chasing the illusion of the ideal couple.
Problems That Can Be Solved
With dialogue and respect, most difficulties can be managed. But some issues are more serious:
Violent anger.
Pathological jealousy.
Chronic infidelity.
Manipulation.
In such cases, it may be necessary to consider separation. A couple is not always meant to last forever. Studies suggest an average “shelf life” of around 16 years. When positives no longer outweigh negatives, or when partners cannot imagine solutions or projects together, separation may be the healthiest choice.
From Meeting to Couplehood
Each partner carries personal histories and relational schemas. Two common pitfalls are:
Emotional deprivation schema → feeling neglected, unloved, or unsupported.
Abandonment schema → fear of commitment, jealousy, obsession, or intolerance of separation.
Recognizing these schemas helps understand what attracts us to others and how to build healthier bonds.
The Four Pillars of a Relationship
Commitment.
Quality of communication.
Shared values.
Sexuality.
Other factors play a role—such as initial romance intensity or conflict management—but these four are the foundation of a lasting, fulfilling couple.
Conclusion
Living as a couple means creating more than two individuals. It means daring to build the “3”: You, Me, and Our Couple.
Balance comes from:
Respecting individuality.
Nurturing positive communication.
Managing conflicts constructively.
Accepting imperfection while committing to growth.
👉 In short, a happy couple is not 1 + 1 = 1 or 1 + 1 = 2, but truly 1 + 1 = 3.
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