To live together based on Jacques Salomé (psychosociologist) or building healthy relationships while staying true to yourself
Love vs. Choice: What Do We Really Seek?
In relationships, what we ask most from our partner is not simply to be loved, but to be chosen. Deep down, we expect the other to respond to our most intimate wounds.
However, love alone—even when strong and authentic—is not enough to keep a couple together over time. What truly sustains a relationship is the quality of daily interactions, the ability to nurture respect, communication, and small shared joys.
From Passion to Relationship: Moving Beyond Fusion
At the beginning, love often feels like fusion: 1 + 1 = 1. Passion blurs boundaries and gives the illusion of total unity.
But to build a long-lasting bond, couples must transition to:
1 + 1 = 2 → each remains an individual with their own identity.
1 + 1 = 3 → the relationship itself becomes a “third entity,” alive and deserving care.
Jacques Salomé often symbolizes this with a scarf with two ends: each partner is responsible for their end. The relationship exists in between and depends on both.
Myths and Expectations That Sabotage Couples
Many frustrations in relationships come from unrealistic myths, such as:
“If they really loved me, they would guess my desires without me expressing them.”
“If they cared, they would anticipate my expectations.”
These hidden beliefs create resentment, misunderstandings, and self-sabotage. Couples must learn to communicate openly rather than rely on silent expectations.
Building the Relationship Through Crises and Differences
A healthy couple does not avoid conflict. On the contrary, conflicts, crises, and mediations are part of building a strong bond. Each challenge offers an opportunity to:
Define a shared project (even if it evolves over time),
Learn to differentiate oneself while remaining connected,
Balance togetherness and autonomy.
Harmony does not mean doing everything together. It means sharing while respecting individuality.
Communication: The Oxygen of Relationships
One of the greatest complaints in modern couples is silence. Many partners—traditionally men, but increasingly women as well—struggle to express emotions, desires, or vulnerabilities.
Non-verbal language becomes essential in intimacy.
Verbal exchanges act as a “vitamin” for the couple. Without them, the relationship weakens.
Communication does not mean always agreeing; it means sharing authentically, even when views differ.
👉 A couple that fails to communicate risks falling into resentment, paradoxes, and unspoken tensions.
The Forces at Play: Cohesion and Distance
Every relationship oscillates between two forces:
Cohesive forces, which strengthen bonds (intimacy, trust, shared projects).
Bursting forces, which promote autonomy and personal growth.
A balanced relationship requires both: being close without suffocating, and being free without abandoning.
Examples of balance:
Between abandonment and proximity.
Between giving and receiving.
Between freedom and trust.
Accountability in Relationships
One of the key principles of Salomé is accountability:
I am responsible for what I send to the other (including silence).
I am also responsible for what I receive.
But I am not guilty; responsibility is not blame.
True growth happens when I stop trying to change my partner and instead commit to my own part in the relationship.
Intimacy: Double and Shared
A couple must develop two forms of intimacy:
Shared intimacy – the common space of the couple (confidences, projects, physical closeness).
Personal intimacy – each partner keeps an individual space, dreams, and identity.
Real intimacy allows two people to dream together while keeping different dreams.
Relationship Conflicts and Paradoxes
Many conflicts arise from contradictory requests:
One partner asks for attention while fearing closeness.
Another demands gratitude while refusing to believe it is possible.
These paradoxes generate confusion and self-sabotage, sometimes making relationship sabotage a full-time occupation.
An “awakened couple” is one that can identify, clarify, and share these inner contradictions instead of projecting them onto each other.
The Daily Work of a Relationship
A relationship is not something to take for granted. It requires:
Daily nurturing of the bond,
Clear projects (“I’ll be with you Monday and Thursday”) instead of vague absences,
The courage to position oneself and accept uncertainty,
Respect for the relationship as a living entity in itself.
Every couple faces unpredictability—changes, evolutions, unexpected events. Embracing this uncertainty is part of the beauty and challenge of life together.
Conclusion: Never Alone, Always Together
Being a couple means living never alone, but also never entirely fused. It is about:
Recognizing the relationship as a third partner,
Balancing closeness and independence,
Communicating authentically,
Accepting paradoxes and responsibilities.
💡 In the words of Jacques Salomé: “We are three in a couple: you, me, and the relationship itself.”
1 + 1 = 3
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